Fear Factor

It's still early, but so far the little pee sticks are giving me the old "NP."Actually, the first pee stick said nothing at all. It was a dud. I asked J if he thought it was a bad sign that the preggie test malfunctioned and he said no. Then I asked him if he thought the dead bird we found on our back patio on Monday was a bad sign and he asked me when I became so superstitious?  I told him he was right, I was being silly, and then I knocked on wood, threw some salt over my shoulder, and exited the room.

I'm not sure why, but I've started experiencing my little hot-flashes-of-fear about having a baby again. I had traded most of my apprehensions for excitement and anticipation, but recently the worries have begun creeping in, enough to make me stop and wonder if I'm doing the right thing.  Or, are these perfectly normal preconception emotions? I can't tell. To help clarify things for my non-linear creative brain, I've broken down my dominate reoccurring worries (or DRW) into four categories.

I. Lifestyle

I picture myself driving a huge black Escalade (I despise SUV's FYI) to run mundane errands all around town all day, everyday--rushing to supermarket, going to the bank, dropping off clothes at the dry cleaner.  I feel exhausted and bored; stuck in a domestic routine, annoyed at the kid(s) screaming and spilling Cheerios in the backseat. I am desperately craving a Manhattan, straight-up and wondering what happened to the girl who used to wear leather pants and dominate the mechanical bull at the Saddle Ranch bar.

II. The Environment

I hear about something new that I need to avoid or be concerned about every day: smartphone radiation levels (you're not supposed to let kids talk on them btw), cancer causing chemicals in beauty products (parabens), a remake of the Brady Bunch sit-com. Remind me why I want to bring kids into this world again???

III. $$$

College is going to be six figures a year by the time our kid is ready to go. We might be the first generation of parents in history to encourage our offspring to drop out of school and do something more practical with their lives, like, say, join the circus.

IV. Everything Else On The Planet

I wasn't scared to move to Hollywood to pursue my dreams. I never thought twice about jumping on stage and telling jokes in front of a room full of strangers. When J asked me to marry him, I didn't have a millisecond of doubt or hesitation in my mind.

So why is this whole motherhood thing so terrifying for me?!?