Men

Poor men.

They spend their entire adolescence and young adulthood doing everything they can to get laid -- they learn to play the guitar, find a good job, buy nice clothes, use deodorant -- all in the effort to get a girl to go to bed with them. Then one day they fall in love with a seemingly sane woman and get married. And the next thing they know, the crazy bitch is waving a pee-stick in their face screaming "I'm ovulating, we have to have sex everyday for the next five days!"

Bet they never saw that one coming!

(No pun intended)

Setting a President

I want to fool my yet-unconceived baby into thinking I'm really smart. So I've decided to memorize the names of all the US presidents in order by the time I give birth. Although I might leave George W. Bush off the list. I haven't decided yet.

If I finish this in time, I will then make sure I have a handle on all of the state capitals. And if that goes well, I will re-watch every single Meg Ryan rom-com movie, in order of release date.

Wish me luck, Meg!

First Guest Blogger!

I've extended an invitation to some of my friends to see if they would be interested in contributing articles for my blog. Some are mommy's, some are mommy-to-be's, others just want to write about mommy-related stuff. 

I'm happy to share an article by my first guest blogger, my mommy-mentor, CM. She wrote this account of the birth of her second child. CM had a C-section with her first son, but delivered naturally ("VBAC" - Vaginal Birth After Caesarean or "TOLAC” - Trial of Labor After Caesarean ) with her daughter just a few short weeks ago. I'm in awe of her determination and strength, but I won't lie: this story makes me want to go back on the pill. Here's her harrowing tale! 

* * *

Something told me that my baby girl would arrive before her due date! I kept telling her to wait until June 24th so that she would be 37 weeks which is considered "full term." She is such a good girl and listened to her mommy! On June 24h at 2:15 am, my water broke. We were advised to head to Alta Bates to check and see if I should be admitted.

After I was in Triage for awhile, the test for amniotic fluid came back positive. Indeed, this baby was coming within the next 24 hours!   I had been pretty disappointed with my first birth experience since I hadn’t even pictured a Caesarean section as an option.  This time, I was hoping that I could become one of the successful VBAC mothers.  Janaki had advised us to inform the nurses of my desire for a VBAC, be prepared to have a room by the Operating Room (just in case), ask for a telemetry wireless fetal heartbeat monitor, and be ready to have an IV with pitocin administered.  When I met my nurse, I realized that we had a mutual friend in common…this was a good sign!  

Not once did I lie/sit in the hospital bed during my labor.  I paced the same stretch of hallway for two hours (you have to stay in the range of the telemetry unit so that the baby’s heart rate can be detected), squatted in the hospital room, and my husband was super at doing the lower back and pelvic pushes taught to us by Janaki.  Even though it had been two years since our initial childbirth classes, my husband remembered everything and was the perfect coach.  He reminded me to channel my energy into opening up, and the nurse reminded me not to tense up my shoulders and neck.  These were helpful suggestions!  My mom’s presence was very helpful and supportive, too. 

By the time my labor really started to get more intense, I was 6 centimeters dilated.  After about an hour of leaning over the bed and dancing with my husband through contractions, I had reached 8 centimeters.  Things were progressing!  The nurse was incredibly amazing with her advice.  She suggested a hot shower.  I was hesitant since with my son I had shivered and didn’t feel myself open up at all.  This time, the water was amazing on my lower back.  I sat on a stool and hunched over a birthing ball.  My mom was holding my hands while my husband aimed the shower head at my lower back.  It was really encouraging to see the nurse begin to prepare the baby’s table inside the room while my doctor was dressing up in her surgery clothes.  Suddenly I realized that I could do this…and what was even more exciting was the fact that everyone believed that I would! 

When I exited the shower, I was 9.5 centimeters dilated.  After going on all fours, I quickly became 10 centimeters dilated.  Only then did I lie down on the bed holding onto the squatting bar.  I pushed for 40 minutes but it only felt like 10 minutes.  The last three pushes, I felt a burning sensation and I just kept focusing on opening up below.  Another nurse came in to assist and I appreciated the helpful suggestions and positive atmosphere.  After being told to wait and breathe rapidly (to slow down the baby so she wouldn’t tear me too much), I felt a gush of water as 1.5 more liters of amniotic fluid flew out of me along with my beautiful 8 lbs, 14 oz. baby girl.  She was brought immediately to my chest where I could hold her.  I was in awe of the entire process.  I looked at her speechless. Then, I remember looking up at the rest of the spectators exclaiming , “Oh my gosh.  I did it!  I really did it!  I had a natural, no pain medications birth.  Wow!” We waited for the umbilical cord to stop pulsating before my husband cut the cord (he never got to experience that with our firstborn) and then I watched the baby get cleaned and checked out while I was stitched (I had two 2nd-degree tears). 

All in all, it was the most amazing experience ever!  I really, really want other mothers to know that they can do this, too.  I was doubting myself for the last month or so saying things like “This baby feels too big to push out” or “It’s okay if I have another c-section”.  It totally would have been okay with me because the ultimate goal is a healthy baby but I was completely satisfied with my birthing story.  My wish is for all mothers to feel this very same way with whatever experience they choose!

Standing Ovulation

People, it's July. Our first official "trying month!" So, I've starting using these:

My sister-in-law swears by ovulation tests. She used them and boom! Pregnant just like that...both times. If you don't know how the ovulation tests work, basically there are 20 different pee-sticks that detect a certain hormone in your urine stream. You pee on it once a day and when the hormone is present, it means you are fertile. And that's when you and your partner should start engaging in some serious bangin' action.

So here goes! Wish us luck. J and I even wrote a song to commemorate the process:

♬♪

Pee!

Pee! 

Pee on a stick!

Pee on a stick, yeah that's the trick!

Tells you if you do or don't need dick.

Start your morning with a pee on the stick. 

♬♪

Prayers and Thoughts

I don't have much to say today in the wake of the tragedy in Colorado. My thoughts go out to the families of the victims. This is one of those events that makes us all feel so vulnerable because we all secretly know it could have happened anywhere, at any time, to any one of us or our loved ones. This is one of those events that forces us to look around and put everything in perspective. This is one of those events that makes us feel grateful for our time on this planet and reminds us to say I love you as often as possible.

Having it All???

There's been a lot of controversy about an article that appeared in the Atlantic last month. It's called "Why Women Still Can't Have It All" and if you haven't read it, you can check it out here. The author, Anne-Marie Slaughter admits that despite all of the rhetoric from her generation, the truth is that there are still fundamental obstacles in the way our business culture is structured that make it difficult to impossible for women to actually "have it all."

Bummer for feminism. But great for me! Finally there's a silver lining to the fact that I have failed to achieve my professional dreams! After all, it's not difficult to choose between being a mom and having a career if you don't actually have a career, now is it? For years, I've been beating myself up (alternating with periods of self-loathing and downright depression as well) over the fact that I was apparently not good enough to break into Hollywood...as a comedian, as a writer, or as a singer/songwriter. A triple non-threat, if you will. 


But now, facing  the prospect of motherhood, it seems that perhaps my shortcomings have all been for the best. After all, my friends who have succeeded at real jobs -- as consultants, professors, teachers, and lawyers -- are having a very challenging time figuring out how to juggle it all. They've worked their entire lives to climb their respective corporate ladders, and now they are faced with the fact that there are only so many hours in the day to be a mom, a wife, and a professional. 


But not me, however! I'm a free woman. Failure never tasted so sweet.*


Okay, okay. I'm kidding. 


But in all seriousness, some women dream of becoming moms their whole lives. I didn't. I dreamed I would be a comedian. However, life has changed and that's no longer my priority. Letting go has been difficult to say the least. But after mourning the loss of that ambition, regathering my confidence, and preparing to set out in a new direction by focusing 100% on my writing, I am beginning to feel grateful once again that I have pursued a creative path, even if it hasn't turned out quite the way I expected it would. After all, earning a living as an author/copywriter/freelancer/script doctor, will afford me the one luxury that all working moms crave: flexibility. (Not to mention I get to work in my PJ's.)


And now, I am ready to fully embrace this new goal of becoming a mom. Plus, I get the feeling motherhood is going to make performing stand-up comedy seem like a breeze!


Perhaps "having it all" is more of a state of mind than a measurable level of achievement. Time will tell....

Yup. I'm a guitar comic. You gotta problem with that?!?

*One of these days, I'll write a blog post about my time in H-wood, the lessons I've learned the hard way, and the truths behind what it takes to succeed show business. For now, I can tell you that I still don't think anything is impossible. It just takes an amazing amount of sacrifice and a realistic appreciation for the facade that is the entertainment business. 

Big Hairy Deal

The other morning I walked into the bathroom while J was in the shower to find that he had draped his dirty underwear over my clean towel. The honeymoon is over, my friends.

In other news, my hair is driving me crazy. I don't mean the hair that's on my head. I'm talking about the hair that's falling out of my head. I'm shedding like an Alaskan Husky in Phoenix. I can only assume this has to do with the prenatal vitamins (or preenatale [pri.na.tal.ey] vitamins as J and I like to call them) that I've been taking for six month now. Because even though I'm losing hair, I'm not going bald. If anything, my hair is fuller than it has been since my twenties (*sigh*). And the hairs themselves are super thick and strong. But that's what makes it so annoying. Every time I lose one, I feel it trickle down my arm. You know the way it feels if you accidentally walk through a spiderweb? That's how it feels all the time! The drain clogs up each time I shower, I pull big hairballs from my brush daily. They're even tangling up the vacuum cleaner attachment. This morning J said he liked the new rug I got for the bathroom and I said we don't have a new rug in the bathroom! That's my hair.

At least it's kinda nice to feel like I'm losing something other than my mind for once.

Bad Hair Day

Decisions, Mother F%^king Decisions

So, time has run out. We must send in next month's rent today. We couldn't find any place we truly loved enough to move to in our two week frame so it looks like we will be taking the six-month lease option. Paying $150 more a month is definitely not ideal, especially as we approach the daunting prospect of starting a family, but given the circumstances, that seems to be our best option. During the next half-year, we're going to see if we can find a house within our budget to purchase. Perhaps in the long run, this will be a blessing in disguise, though I would be lying if I told you I wasn't already dreading the stress I'm destined to feel six months from now!

A great thing has happened this week: I've been hired for a pretty awesome freelance writing assignment. I had to sign a confidentiality agreement so I can reveal to much, but it's the biggest responsibility I've ever been given as a freelancer and I'm thrilled.

And more great news!! One of my college besties, MV, is preggers! Yay! So happy for her and her husband! She is, unfortunately, suffering from the ol' "morning" sickness as they call it, though she reports it happens at all hours of the day, not just morning. But somehow morningafternoon&night sickness just doesn't have the same ring to it.  


MV told me that the day she found out she was with child, she woke up, peed on the stick, and got an answer to one very big question, which in turn opened the door to a thousand more questions. Alas, there were no more sticks, and therefore no more answers. 


I feel your pain, MV. If only taking a wee wiz on a piece of narrow plastic could reveal the answers to all of life's questions.

It reminds me of this one time when I was single, I woke up in the middle of night worried that I might have accidentally gotten pregnant. I couldn't sleep, I was so stressed out. I didn't have a pregnancy test and the drug stores were closed. But I was desperate for an answer that I went to the closet and took out my Magic 8 Ball.

I asked the 8 Ball, "Am I pregnant?" and the 8 Ball said, "Yes, Definitely." At which point I broke into a cold sweat.  And then, because I wanted to be sure, I asked it again, "Am I pregnant?" And this time it said, "Maybe." 

I thought, okay. Good. There's hope.

So I asked it one more time and this time it said, "Stop peeing on me. I'm not a goddamn pregnancy test."

Preocupado

I have all these awesome ideas for blog posts, but I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for the past few weeks except for our living situation. We lease a house and we just found out our landlord is going to raise our rent. Granted, they haven't raised the rent in the three years we've lived here, but considering that we are perfect tenants, have never paid our rent late, and painted the house on our own dime when we first moved in, we feel like we earned the steady rate.

We've been trying to decide if we should stay or look for someplace new, which is made all the more difficult by the fact that our landlord refuses to go month-to-month with the lease. Because of the way the LA rental market is designed, this gives us a tiny two-week window to find a new place to live, since apartments for August only appear on the market around July 1st, and we have to decide before our rent is due on July 15th. 


Aghhhh!

We definitely don't want to spend more than we already pay. There are problems with the neighborhood, such as neighbors who let their dogs bark at all hours of the day and hoards of tourists who clog our streets in search of a way to drive to the Hollywood sign (which isn't possible). Also, there are little issues with the house that we've been willing to overlook at the current price, but not so flexible at a higher rate. Take, for example, last year's carpet beetle outbreak which cost me $500 in clothing and dry cleaning and was all around disturbing and disgusting.  

They will do a six month lease, however, I'm not so sure this is a good thing, since we would essentially be facing the same situation, just six months from now. Plus, I will be in the middle of school and possibly pregnant (knock on wood).

Our other option is to begin thinking about buying a house. The problem is, a tiny turn-key starter house in LA costs about the same as a 5-bedroom mansion in any other part of the country. AND, we'd have to find something that happens to close at the exact time that our lease ends. What are the chances of that happening?  Oh also, neither of us really want to raise a kid in Los Angeles. There's THAT little detail, too.

I've been scouring Westside Rentals and Craigslist everyday. The rental market is highly competitive and pricier than ever. Half the time, by the time I call a place, it's already been rented. Otherwise, it's out of our price range OR completely dated. Yesterday, two realtors didn't even show up for their appointments to show up their properties! 

Moving is considered one of life's big stresses. Not knowing if you're going to move...or being on a deadline to find a new, acceptable place to move, makes it all the more nerve-racking. Add to that the fact that we're starting to think about what's best, not only for the two of us, but possibly for the three of us, and you can understand why I've been walking around with my shoulders tensed to my ears for two weeks.

Should we stay or should we go now?

ARCO Follow-Up

FYI - When J drove home after work on Monday, the station had closed pump #7! Because it was broken. Like I said it was. Amazing.

Parenting is Hard

Parenting is hard. My husband and I are always exhausted...the sleepless nights, the screaming, the drool.

And we're just trying to conceive.


Happy Fourth of July!

ARCO Schmarco

I woke up in such a great mood and excited to write my Monday morning blog post, but I had to run a few errands first.  I stopped at my local gas station that I've gone to one hundred times before. It's an ARCO so they only take cash or debit card. I went inside and handed the guy $55. Came back to start pumping and gasoline started bubbling out from beneath the safety seal onto my car. So I stopped, readjusted the seal, and tried again. Same thing. I walked inside and told the guy the pump was broken and asked if he could come out and look at it. A few minutes later, he still hadn't appeared. I was going to move my car to the next pump but the place was packed and anytime I attempted to do so, a new car would zoom in ahead of me.

Another customer at the station tried to be nice by helping me, but really he just insulted me more because he was treating me like I was some idiot little girl who didn't know how to pump gas. Of course, when he tried, the same exact thing happened.

Finally I went inside and said I just wanted my money back. Now the attendant decided he would come look. And guess what?!? Same thing happened to him! Shocking. He suggested I go to another pump and I said, no, I just want me money back.

So he goes in, subtracts the gas that I pumped (most of which was on my car, not in it) and hands me $34 in change. Incredulous, I looked at the receipt and realized he'd acted as though I'd given him $41 and not $55. My blood was starting to boil. He wanted to finish helping a few other customers first, but I said no, I want my money so I can leave. The attendant tells me I pumped $11 in gas total which still doesn't sound correct to me, and even if it was, it was madding since he and the other guy kept pumping my gas even after I had insisted that it wasn't going into my car.

Then this other female attendant appears and tells me that the pump isn't broken, it's just not compatible with my car and refused to give me my change. It was all so maddening, I can't even explain. I was shaking and I definitely lost my patience and I hate acting like that but it was so infuriating. If the pump's not compatible with my car, why take my money in the first place?!? And how would changing to a new pump have made any difference? I ended up with $44 back in my pocket and less than a half of tank of gas.

So now, not only is ARCO (which is part of BP) responsible for causing billions of dollars of damage in the gulf of Mexico thanks to the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, it's also responsible for ruining my monday.

I hate you, ARCO