My Issue: Our Planet

I'm just killing time waiting for my eggies to ovulate. I've been using the Clear Blue Easy digital ovulation test this month. I am really impressed with how high tech it is! It feels like I'm urinating on a smart phone. Hmm...is there an app for that?

In other news, my favorite NRP station has an interactive campaign where listeners can write in and explain what the most important issue is to them  this political season. I wrote in about my issue, the environment:

My wonderful sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Station, first made me aware of the impact human beings have on the environment. She educated us about the dangers of over-consumption, pollution, and deforestation. She taught us about the importance of recycling, reducing global warming, and conservation. She made me realize that our planet is precious and that our actions have consequences. Sadly, some 20+ years later, I’m frightened to see the environmental changes about which she warned us starting to come true in the form of chaotic weather patterns and extreme temperatures, such as the drought in the Midwest. Yet, neither candidate has spent much time, if any, addressing the issue in their campaigns. My husband and I are ready to begin a family and that’s making me more nervous than ever about the future of our planet. I believe we borrow the earth from our children, and it’s crucial we start protecting it for them before it’s too late. 

I'm going to start sharing a few of the ways I am trying to make simple changes in my life to help the planet since this is my blog and I wanna. A few years ago, I became incredibly aware of how prevalent plastic is in our lives. It can be found in most items we use on a daily basis -- from the bottle caps on our orange juice containers to our toilette seats to our cars. But it's important to remember that all of this plastic will eventually end up in landfills, oceans, and elsewhere and that it does not disintegrate for thousands of years.

Take a look at a few minutes of this video. It shows how even the tiniest pieces of plastic can end up in the bellies of sea birds. (I know it's depressing but it's happening and it's important to know about.) Plus, plastics are made from oil, and we all know how well big oil companies treat the environment.

I'm not perfect by any means, but here are five small things I do to try and reduce my dependence on plastic:

1. I avoid using plastic water bottles as much as possible by bringing water with me in travel mugs whenever I leave the house.

2. I wash and reuse plastic ziplock bags rather than tossing them after one use.

3. I bring my own shopping bags to the mall or supermarket, or I carry out smaller purchases by hand and refuse the bag altogether. 

4. I store leftovers in recycled carry-out containers or glass bowls rather than baggies or saran wrap.


5. I refill smaller containers, such as hand soap bottles, rather than throwing them away and replacing them.

And of course, when I do finish using a plastic container or bag, I always recycle it. If you have more ideas, please leave me a comment. I would love to hear them. And believe me, the irony that I am currently peeing on a multitude of plastic pee-sticks does not escape me. If someone has a more environmentally friendly option, I'd love to hear it.

Back 2 Skool!

My first day of class at USC is tonight. It feels quite surreal to be going back to school, which is why I'm looking at it less like going back to school, and more like going to a boot camp for writing. Last week I had the orientation sessions for my tutoring position (or consultant position as they refer to it) at the Writing Center where I'll be working 12 hours a week. The writing center is open to anyone affiliated with USC -- students, faculty, and even employees -- though it's mainly used by freshman and ESL students. I've never taught before in my life. Well, except for the five months I worked as a professional equestrian at a local show barn teaching riding. But even then I worked more with the horses than the humans; in other words, the four-legged creatures who couldn't talk back or complain.

The  thought of becoming a mother soon made me want to apply for this position. For one, I wanted to try to do something that will make a difference in peoples' lives and help me feel like I am part of the larger community. For another, I wanted to learn exactly how to teach and instruct. I tend to be a very direct, blunt person. At times I can be slightly impatient, as well as a bit critical. (Ahem) I know being a mom will put all these not-so-practical traits to the test so I figured I might as well get a jump on managing my imperfections shortcomings.  Look at me trying to better myself! What a good person I am.

Okay, now to work on my humility.

Onward

This morning I took another test. Final answer?

Not Pregnant.

I'm calling it. Time to start looking forward to trying again next month. The only bummer is that I've enjoyed blaming the fact that I've been extra sleepy these past few weeks on the fact that I might be pregnant. Ditto for my increased appetite and irritability.

Turns out I'm just lazy, gluttonous, and moody. In other words: a woman.

Wet Dreams

I emailed my OBGYN this weekend and updated her on the strange occurrences that have been going on with my bod (because I'm completely neurotic and couldn't just let it go) and she told me that it's possible I could still be preggers and to test again in a week. The most amazing part of this story is that my OBGYN is so awesome, she responds to emails from home on the weekend. I love her. I'm going to call her my OMGYN from now on because she's so OMG awesome!

I'm soooooo glad I didn't realize how inaccurate pregnancy testing could be back when I was a paranoid, hypochondriac singleton and I would convinced myself that I'd somehow gotten pregnant vis-a-vis immaculate conception just because I had made eye contact with a hot guy in a bar. Especially if he was latino. I'd take one little test the next evening, see an adorable negative sign, and be done with it. If I had known the risk for error and false readings I'd have been a nervous wreck. I would have kept my bathroom fully stocked with tests and taken one every morning as part of my daily ritual, somewhere after flossing my teeth and eating cereal, even if I hadn't had sex in six months.

Quite honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. It seems quite unlikely at this point, despite the strange spotting and a questionable period. Plus, I just don't feel pregnant. I don't know what I mean by that exactly. Yes, I've seen the show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" so I realize it's possible to carry a child to term and deliver it in the bathroom sink at McDonalds without ever "feeling" pregnant. But if this show has taught me anything, it's that being pregnant feels very similar to the pangs of living in denial, and I've been in a pretty accepting mood these days.

While I'm at it, I have to say that the fact that pregnancy tests suggest you use your "first pee" of the morning is a bit problematic given that I almost always have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night -- usually somewhere around 4am -- thus rendering my first pee of the day actually my second pee and making me feel very inadequate. I'll lay awake trying to convince myself to hold it in a few more hours and drift back to sleep. But inevitably, a dream about Niagara Falls or synchronized swimming will force me to get out of bed, sending the most reliable accumulation of concentrated hCG hormones of the day straight down the drain.

This makes me want to pee.

Land of Confusion

Okay. Aunt Flo disappeared after one day. Preggie tests are still negative. Not sure wtf is going on. The female body is a puzzle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in mystery, always sporting stylish pumps of course.

Patience Grasshopper.

Yesterday I told J the waiting was killing me and that I was thinking of calling the clinic to get a blood test to see if I was pregnant. J laughed and said, "patience grasshopper."

Oh reeally??? Patience grasshopper?!?

"I'm sorry!" I said. "If it was your womb that was about to be subleased for nine months, you'd want to know if you had a tenant too!"

I mean, this from a man who wants to know the origin of every bump, scrape or bruise that appears on his body the moment he spots it. Ha!

In any case, it looks like the wait is over. It appears I got my period this morning. It could be more spotting, but it seems to be the real deal. I must admit two things. One: I'm disappointed, which seems like a good sign, and two: I'm surprised. It really felt like something was happening down there. Part of me wonders if it wasn't another chemical thing similar to what happened in early June before we were officially trying. But no matter. If at first you don't succeed: screw, screw again!

So much of this experience, it seems, is going to boil down to simply wanting to affirm that my body works correctly. As a woman, you spend so much of life desperately afraid of getting pregnant at the wrong time, you take for granted the idea that it can happen at all.

On the other hand, if I were my uterus, I would probably be feeling pretty resentful myself right now. It's almost like she's a tiny woman within me thinking, "Oh, now you want me? You've taken me for granted all these years. Ignored me. Neglected me. Cursed me for cramps. Stifled my talents with oral contraceptives. And now you want me to go to work for you? Just like that? Well, think again, mister! I'm going to do this when I'm good and ready, see? So you tell that penis fellow to come back and visit soon and maybe, just maybe, I'll do what you need me to do. IF you say please. And maybe by me something sparkly."

Patience grasshopper.

Update

(Warning: frank mention of female stuff, like spotting. If you don't want to read about spotting, or hear about my spotting in particular, then be glad I warned you ahead of time that you were about to read that I've been spotting. )

So...here's the deal. As of yesterday, the preggie test was still negative. However, my period is officially late and, starting last week, there has been some random spotting. So....Hmm. What does it all mean? Well, CM said that both she and a friend of hers kept getting negative pregnancy tests well passed their first missed period, despite the fact that they were indeed pregnant. So I'm not sure! Maybe that's what's happening here? Or maybe I'm just late? I'm going to take CM's advice and continue testing every other day. But in the mean time, I am also going to follow my own motto:

No plus sign? Then hells yes to wine!

I've been debating how to handle it if/when I do get a positive test in regard to the whole blogging thing. Obviously, this is a very personal time for couples and many don't let the world know they are pregnant until 12 weeks have passed, for fear of having to explain a miscarriage. But here's the thing: I happen to be the kind of person who processes life by putting it out there in public (aka a comedian). And even if, god forbid, I do have a miscarriage, this is exactly where I would want to discuss it. I know they are actually quite common and I'm one of those people who loves putting taboo stuff out into the open for all to see. Plus, the whole point of this blog is to chronicle this experience from beginning to...well, until the baby turns 18 I guess. So it would seem disingenuous if I had to lie about not begin pregnant for three months.

Besides, it's only the internet. It's not like just anybody can read it, right?!?

Quote of the day

"I think you might be pregnant." - My husband to me when I started to cry during the NBC Olympic montage recap.

Friday (Sort of) Funny

I went to see my therapist yesterday and told her about all of the fears and worries that have been creeping into my mind recently (see last post). Her professional assessment of my mental state? PMS. That's right. My therapist diagnosed me as hormonal.

And I had to agree. Now is it actually PMS or is it baby related? Only time will tell. Time and pee sticks.

Speaking of which, all of this talk about preggie tests has reminded me of one of the first jokes I ever told as a stand-up comedian. Let me set the scene for you. I was a single, young twenty-something living in New York City. I'd done stand-up comedy approximately four times. Okay. That's all you need to know. Enjoy.

* *

"Most pregnancy tests are advertised for women who are trying to get pregnant. In the commercial they always show these happily married women looking so elated the moment they learn they are with child! But let's face it: there are a lot of women like me out there, who are not exactly thrilled when they have to purchase a pregnancy test. If I have to buy a pregnancy test, something has gone horribly horribly wrong. I think they need to start marketing the product to women like me, because let's face it, I know I'm not alone out there. So I came up with a few new names for them to try out:

First Response? That should be called Worst Response.

Fact Plus? Fucked Plus.

Clear Blue Easy? You Clearly Blew It, Sleazy."

* *

Comedy gold, I tell ya. Comedy gold.

Fear Factor

It's still early, but so far the little pee sticks are giving me the old "NP."Actually, the first pee stick said nothing at all. It was a dud. I asked J if he thought it was a bad sign that the preggie test malfunctioned and he said no. Then I asked him if he thought the dead bird we found on our back patio on Monday was a bad sign and he asked me when I became so superstitious?  I told him he was right, I was being silly, and then I knocked on wood, threw some salt over my shoulder, and exited the room.

I'm not sure why, but I've started experiencing my little hot-flashes-of-fear about having a baby again. I had traded most of my apprehensions for excitement and anticipation, but recently the worries have begun creeping in, enough to make me stop and wonder if I'm doing the right thing.  Or, are these perfectly normal preconception emotions? I can't tell. To help clarify things for my non-linear creative brain, I've broken down my dominate reoccurring worries (or DRW) into four categories.

I. Lifestyle

I picture myself driving a huge black Escalade (I despise SUV's FYI) to run mundane errands all around town all day, everyday--rushing to supermarket, going to the bank, dropping off clothes at the dry cleaner.  I feel exhausted and bored; stuck in a domestic routine, annoyed at the kid(s) screaming and spilling Cheerios in the backseat. I am desperately craving a Manhattan, straight-up and wondering what happened to the girl who used to wear leather pants and dominate the mechanical bull at the Saddle Ranch bar.

II. The Environment

I hear about something new that I need to avoid or be concerned about every day: smartphone radiation levels (you're not supposed to let kids talk on them btw), cancer causing chemicals in beauty products (parabens), a remake of the Brady Bunch sit-com. Remind me why I want to bring kids into this world again???

III. $$$

College is going to be six figures a year by the time our kid is ready to go. We might be the first generation of parents in history to encourage our offspring to drop out of school and do something more practical with their lives, like, say, join the circus.

IV. Everything Else On The Planet

I wasn't scared to move to Hollywood to pursue my dreams. I never thought twice about jumping on stage and telling jokes in front of a room full of strangers. When J asked me to marry him, I didn't have a millisecond of doubt or hesitation in my mind.

So why is this whole motherhood thing so terrifying for me?!?

Scared.

I have been a bit overwhelmed these past few weeks and am finally coming up for air from my freelance writing assignments. There is nothing I love more than earning money by writing from home in my pajamas. I want this to continue indefinitely. Dear Universe: yes, please!

Another sad day with the shootings in Wisconsin. I'm trying not to think about it too deeply. If I do, I will talk myself out of having kids. The world seems like far too scary a place in which to willing reproduce. I know there have always been crazy people. The question is: is there a higher ratio of crazy to normal people now? Or is the ratio of crazy to normal people the same and the population has just grown that much larger?

Or do we just hear about these incidents more frequently?

Or could it be, um, lack of gun control? Nah, couldn't possibly be that, could it republicans?

Anyway, it's very frightening and sometimes I feel like the best course of action is to close my eyes and wait for the scary monsters under my bed to go away. Maybe, that will be a bonding activity my unborn child and I can do together.

A sign?

I've been noticing an increase in a milky-white discharge recently. According to Dr. Internet, this can be an early indicator of pregnancy. Which might have been good news -- if the discharge had been from my vagina...

Sex Talk

*First night having sex when trying to get pregnant:
"Let's do this!" "I love you!" "You're so sexy." "No, you're so sexy." "We're going to make a baby!"

*Second night having sex when trying to get pregnant:
"Mmm" "(smooching sounds)" "You're hot." "No, you." "Let's make a baby!" "Yay."

*Third night having sex when trying to get pregnant:
"Ready?" "Ouch." "What's wrong?" "I'm chafing." "Me too."

*Forth night having sex when trying to get pregnant:
"The last season of Downton Abbey came in the mail." "Oh, awesome! Pop it in."