The Marinara Incident (AKA: Pregnancy Brain is Real)

I've had a handful of days during the past three weeks when I made it through all 24 hours without vomiting, and even a few glorious periods of time when I didn't feel nauseous at all. During one such evening, I decided to cook lasagna for dinner. I happen to be in possession of the world's easiest lasagna recipe. I know this because it's called "World's Easiest Lasagna Recipe." It's also yummy and mildly healthy since it uses ground turkey instead of meat and cottage cheese instead of ricotta. Also, did I mention it's easy? You don't even have to cook the noodles first. (I'll attach the recipe at the end if you're nice to me).

I drove to our neighborhood store for the first time in a month. I learned early on in my morning sickness that it's pretty difficult to avoid seeing food in the grocery store so I stopped going altogether to avoid any embarrassing gagging incidents. Once there, I grabbed the necessary ingredients for cooking lasagne: noodles, mozzarella, spray-and-wash. Finally, I stopped in the pasta aisle to pick up a jar of pasta sauce.

The one thing I know about the recipe is that you must use a pasta sauce. You cannot use a marinara sauce. I once accidentally used a marinara sauce and the lasagna came out as a watery, soupy mess. I had to throw the entire thing away.

Now, I'm not a decisive under the best circumstances, and somehow pregnancy has made the decision making process all the more difficult. I stared at a shelf holding ten different brands of pasta sauce for about fifteen minutes, trying to figure out which promised a more flavorful culinary experience by comparing labels: a cartoon drawing of tomatoes, pepers, and mushrooms or Paul Newman's head? The only thing I knew for certain was I had to pick up a pasta sauce. Not a marinara sauce. I kept repeating this fact to myself over and over and over again in my mind.

I think you see where this is going.

I eventually settled on a jar, paid for my purchases, and returned home to assemble my dish. An hour later, I removed the aluminum foil and uncovered my pasta to find, you guessed it: a watery, soupy mess.

I turned to my husband.

"How did this happen? I KNOW I didn't grab a marinara sauce. There's no way...."

But sure enough. There it was. Sitting on top of the recycling bin. An empty jar of marinara sauce.

Fortunately, J rushed into action and started spooning excess liquid into the sink. A couple additional minutes of steaming and the lasagna was salvaged.

My brain, however? That's still a watery, soupy mess.

So, as promised, here's the recipe. (FYI, J and I usually halve the recipe and still have three days of leftovers.)

- 1 1/2 (26-ounce) jars of Pasta Sauce (Not marinara sauce...but you already knew that)
- 1 lb ground turkey (I use a bit more 'cause we like it meaty)
- 1 (8-ounce package) dry lasagna noodles (10 strips)
- 1 (16-ounce) container of low-fat cottage cheese
- 2 (8-ounce) packages of mozzarella cheese

* Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
* Spray a 9X13-inch glass dish with non-stick spray
* Cook ground turkey on the stove in a large pan. Salt and pepper to taste.
* Remove from heat and stir in pasta sauce.
* Line the bottom of the lasagna dish with 1/3 of the pasta sauce/meat mixture.
* Lay 5 strips of uncooked lasagna noodles on top of pasta sauce mixture.
* Spread one cup of the cottage cheese over the noodles
* Sprinkle 2/3 of the mozzarella cheese over the cottage cheese.
* Repeat the layers ending with sauce.
* Cover with foil and bake at 375 for 1 hour.

Bon Appétit!

Baby is Officially "Cute"

So I don't want to brag or anything, but our OMGyn called our baby "cute" at our 12 week check-up. And this is a woman who has seen thousands upon thousands of these things. (And no, she doesn't say that to everyone! I asked the nurse.) Listen for yourselves:

She also said it was "very photogenic" but we didn't get that on video.

Given that we live in Los Angeles, any agents out there reading this blog who want to get a jump start on repping our "cute" "photogenic" baby once it's born should totally get in touch. We are currently entertaining offers. Ford? Elite? Call me!

And yes, we will definitely be boasting about this little incident through baby's college years, wedding day, and probably beyond.

Feed Us Fetus

Feed Us Fetus

A short play about morning sickness.

By Alison Bonn

A MOTHER, 30’s, in her first trimester, exits a building and puts on a jacket. A VOICE talks to her.

FETUS (O.S.)

Are we going to eat soon? 

MOTHER

Yes, of course. What would you like?

FETUS (O.S.)

I’m STARVING!

MOTHER

I’m leaving work now. 

Mother walks down a city street. 

FETUS (O.S.)

I’ve never been so hungry in my entire eight weeks of life!

MOTHER

I’m going as fast as I can.

FETUS (O.S.)

Don’t worry about me. I’m only in the most critical stage of my development. 

MOTHER

I did feed you a nice oatmeal breakfast this morning. If you recall.

FETUS (O.S.)

Yeah, so?

MOTHER

You threw it up.  

FETUS (O.S.)

Pfft. It had raisins.

MOTHER

I thought you liked raisins.

FETUS (O.S.)

That was last week.

MOTHER

Oh. I’ll make a note of that: no more raisins. I’m just saying: if you didn’t reject the food I ate, you wouldn’t feel so hungry now. 

FETUS (O.S.)

Look, I just developed hands a few days ago. You think I have the ability to reason?

MOTHER

No I guess not. I’m sorry.

FETUS (O.S.)

So...haven’t eaten yet.

MOTHER

Okay okay. What do you want? Pizza?

FETUS (O.S.)

Nope.

MOTHER

A bean burrito?

FETUS (O.S.)

I’m going to make you gag.

MOTHER

No please don’t, I’m in public. What about a veggie sandwich? You like those.

FETUS (O.S.)

Here comes a gag.

Mother gags.

MOTHER

Please! I’m happy to feed you whatever you want. Just tell me what you want. I feel dizzy.

Mother sits.

FETUS (O.S.)

Sushi.

MOTHER

Excuse me?

FETUS (O.S.)

I want sushi.

MOTHER

You know I can’t do that. Sushi is bad for you. There’s mercury in it. And bacteria.  

FETUS (O.S.)

I WANT SUSHI! 

MOTHER

Please anything but sushi...

FETUS (O.S.)

Here comes another gag....

Mother gags again.

FETUS (O.S.) (CONT’D) 

Oooh, that was a good one. I think I tasted a little leftover oatmeal. 

MOTHER

Okay! Please stop. I’ll eat sushi. You need nutrients. 

FETUS (O.S.)

Oh my god! I can’t believe you would be willing to risk my health like that! Sushi? Are you crazy?

MOTHER

But...but...

FETUS (O.S.)

You’re going to be a terrible mother.

MOTHER

You said you wanted it. 

FETUS (O.S.)

I’m just fucking with you. I may not have reason yet, but I did develop a twisted sense of humor around week five. 

MOTHER

Really?

FETUS (O.S.)

How else do you explain the number of times I wake you up to pee in the middle of the night? 

MOTHER

I never thought of it that way. 

FETUS (O.S.)

Hill-arious. 

Mother sighs.

FETUS (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Don’t worry. In a few weeks, I will stop making you feel nauseous all the time.

MOTHER

You promise?

FETUS (O.S.)

I promise. 

MOTHER

Oh thank god.

FETUS (O.S.)

Cause that’s around when I’ll start giving you heartburn and constipation instead.

MOTHER

But this is all going to be worth it in the end, right?

FETUS

The moment you hold me in your arms you will experience transcendent love and sublime happiness.

Mother smiles, stands, and walks down the street.

MOTHER

So, what would you like me to eat? 

FETUS (O.S.)

Veggie sandwich sounds great. And maybe a cookie?

MOTHER

Of course. What kind of cookie?

FETUS (O.S.)

Oatmeal raisin.

THE END

Ready For Parenthood?

The fact that I was able to figure out what this says has made me feel like maybe I am ready to be a parent. Or maybe I'm really immature. I can't tell.