The Reason I'm In Therapy

It’s wonderful when people are honest about their lives. The other day I was having lunch with a woman who told me how much happier she was before she had children. I said, thank you for opening up to me like that…Mom. 

And I wonder why I have issues about having a baby.

Being A Stay At Home Mother

I'm not sure where I stand on the stay-at-home versus working mom debate as of yet. All I know is that as an unemployed comedian and writer I've had lots of practice at being a stay-at-home mom. I just never had the child before.

The Fear

In my head, when I envision having a child, everything that can go wrong will go wrong. This starts with being pregnant. My birthing plan is as follows: to expect the worst. That way if something goes right, I will simply be pleasantly surprised. My mother had a terrible pregnancy with me. She was so sick at times the doctor wanted her to abort me. The only thing that got her -- as well as her three sisters all of whom were pregnant at the same time -- through the ordeal was a drug that was taken off the market shortly after they delivered because it was said to cause birth defects. Obviously, it did not do any harm to me or my three hearts.

Some women say that being pregnant is a magical experience. One of the best times of their lives. This gives me hope. Here are a few of the things I'm looking forward to with regards to being pregnant, in no particular order: pain, nausea, insomnia, constipation, pain, loss of bladder control, weight gain, stretch marks, pain, hemorrhoids, sobriety, excessive gas, memory loss, exhaustion, raging hormones, pain, back aches, sore nipples, bleeding gums, preeclampsia, and really really really bad  pain.

On tomorrows blog: things I'm looking forward to about child birth.

The Truth

I'm here because my husband and I are getting ready to stop trying not to have a baby. In other words, we're going to start trying to have a baby...casually. There will be no tracking of the cycles, assessment of vaginal discharge consistencies, or taking of the temperature ten times a day. The thought of having a baby is overwhelming enough. I can't handle additional prep work. I want to do this the natural way like the girls on 16 And Pregnant: drunk in the middle of the football field. Studies have shown that a woman is at her most fertile lying on her back on the 50-yard line so that’s what we’re going to do. And if that doesn't work? Well, we'll deal with that later.

I’m not going to lie: I’m terrified of becoming a mother. Every single aspect of it. My husband has accused me of having a fear of commitment. But it's not a fear of commitment so much as it is a fear of having to be committed—to an insane asylum. Because if I have a child, then there will be another being on this planet who is directly affected by my shortcomings, and that realization is enough to make a person go crazy. I am a self-centered only child; the sun of my own neurotic universe. Tossing a baby into orbit will definitely cause the whole system to go spinning out of control. 

So why do I want to do it? Why not just decide to be one of those carefree childless couples who pass their lives traveling to exotic destinations and spending their nonexistent-offspring's college tuition on trivial luxuries like filet mignon and Porches? Um...er...good question?

Because I’ve been told that being a mother will make me a better person. And I’m selfish, so this makes me want to give it a go...  


...and I think my husband will make a really great father. 


...and I think we'd make a really cute family. 


...and it's rewarding (allegedly).


...and, maybe it's time to think about someone else other than myself for a change.