Feed Us Fetus

Feed Us Fetus

A short play about morning sickness.

By Alison Bonn

A MOTHER, 30’s, in her first trimester, exits a building and puts on a jacket. A VOICE talks to her.

FETUS (O.S.)

Are we going to eat soon? 

MOTHER

Yes, of course. What would you like?

FETUS (O.S.)

I’m STARVING!

MOTHER

I’m leaving work now. 

Mother walks down a city street. 

FETUS (O.S.)

I’ve never been so hungry in my entire eight weeks of life!

MOTHER

I’m going as fast as I can.

FETUS (O.S.)

Don’t worry about me. I’m only in the most critical stage of my development. 

MOTHER

I did feed you a nice oatmeal breakfast this morning. If you recall.

FETUS (O.S.)

Yeah, so?

MOTHER

You threw it up.  

FETUS (O.S.)

Pfft. It had raisins.

MOTHER

I thought you liked raisins.

FETUS (O.S.)

That was last week.

MOTHER

Oh. I’ll make a note of that: no more raisins. I’m just saying: if you didn’t reject the food I ate, you wouldn’t feel so hungry now. 

FETUS (O.S.)

Look, I just developed hands a few days ago. You think I have the ability to reason?

MOTHER

No I guess not. I’m sorry.

FETUS (O.S.)

So...haven’t eaten yet.

MOTHER

Okay okay. What do you want? Pizza?

FETUS (O.S.)

Nope.

MOTHER

A bean burrito?

FETUS (O.S.)

I’m going to make you gag.

MOTHER

No please don’t, I’m in public. What about a veggie sandwich? You like those.

FETUS (O.S.)

Here comes a gag.

Mother gags.

MOTHER

Please! I’m happy to feed you whatever you want. Just tell me what you want. I feel dizzy.

Mother sits.

FETUS (O.S.)

Sushi.

MOTHER

Excuse me?

FETUS (O.S.)

I want sushi.

MOTHER

You know I can’t do that. Sushi is bad for you. There’s mercury in it. And bacteria.  

FETUS (O.S.)

I WANT SUSHI! 

MOTHER

Please anything but sushi...

FETUS (O.S.)

Here comes another gag....

Mother gags again.

FETUS (O.S.) (CONT’D) 

Oooh, that was a good one. I think I tasted a little leftover oatmeal. 

MOTHER

Okay! Please stop. I’ll eat sushi. You need nutrients. 

FETUS (O.S.)

Oh my god! I can’t believe you would be willing to risk my health like that! Sushi? Are you crazy?

MOTHER

But...but...

FETUS (O.S.)

You’re going to be a terrible mother.

MOTHER

You said you wanted it. 

FETUS (O.S.)

I’m just fucking with you. I may not have reason yet, but I did develop a twisted sense of humor around week five. 

MOTHER

Really?

FETUS (O.S.)

How else do you explain the number of times I wake you up to pee in the middle of the night? 

MOTHER

I never thought of it that way. 

FETUS (O.S.)

Hill-arious. 

Mother sighs.

FETUS (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Don’t worry. In a few weeks, I will stop making you feel nauseous all the time.

MOTHER

You promise?

FETUS (O.S.)

I promise. 

MOTHER

Oh thank god.

FETUS (O.S.)

Cause that’s around when I’ll start giving you heartburn and constipation instead.

MOTHER

But this is all going to be worth it in the end, right?

FETUS

The moment you hold me in your arms you will experience transcendent love and sublime happiness.

Mother smiles, stands, and walks down the street.

MOTHER

So, what would you like me to eat? 

FETUS (O.S.)

Veggie sandwich sounds great. And maybe a cookie?

MOTHER

Of course. What kind of cookie?

FETUS (O.S.)

Oatmeal raisin.

THE END