Age Discrimination

I am too young to have a baby. I am immature and selfish. I hate picking my clothes up off the floor. I don't know how to make a bed so that it resembles the fancy beds in the department stores that incorporate fluffy pillows and frilly duvets. I dread dealing with adult issues like savings accounts and insurance. I never balance my checkbooks and I don't have a good system in place for dealing with the extra change that falls to the bottom of my purse. My linen closet is abysmal. I always thought by the time I was ready to become a mother, I'd be able to maintain a neatly organized linen closet, with perfectly aligned rows of bath towels, all of which would face the same direction and stand in straight piles like soldiers. Instead, my towels lean like Pisa until they eventually fall over at which point I end up just cramming them into whatever space is available. I still can't fold a fitted sheet to save my life. I chew my tooth brush. I don't know why they call eggs "over easy." Flipping eggs over without breaking the yolk is anything but easy for me. I don't buy clothes that require ironing. I still believe a peanut butter and jelly sandwich counts as a nutritious dinner and/or breakfast. We don't own a house. I take every opportunity I can to swing on swing sets, and I will kick children off the playground if necessary to do this. I enjoy doing somersaults in swimming pools and occasionally pretend I'm a dolphin, though I won't admit that to anybody. I can't figure out how to earn a living doing what I love. I pick my lips even though I know I shouldn't cause it looks bad. I still don't stand up straight like my mother tells me to do. I don't garden. I believe there are monsters under my bed and keep my favorite stuffed animal in my closet "just in case." I prefer to evade responsibility whenever possible and procrastination is fine by me.

Which brings me to my next problem: I am way too old to have a baby. I'm set in my ways. I'm grumpy if I don't get enough sleep at night, and when I do sleep, I put cotton in my ears so sounds don't wake me up, which probably won't bode well for hearing a crying infant. I am used to being able to do what I like when I'd like to and I like it that way. I get curmudgeonly when children cry on airplanes. I think things were way better when I was growing up including music, movies, and the school system. I don't understand "kids these days." Muscle aches are becoming more and more common, especially the day after I do any physical activity that I had previously not done in a while, such as playing tennis or vacuuming. I nag my husband. Garlic Broccoli Pickles  Eating gives me gas.  If I eat too late at night, the gas is even worse. When my husband asks me if I want to take some "X," he's talking about Gas-Ex.  I like going on romantic getaways. I like luxury. I depend on naps to get me through the day. I'm inclined toward laziness. I like spending money on myself. I am way too aware of how much sacrifice having a baby is going to require. I wish I were young and stupid. That's how old I am.